Caring for Aging Parents: Caregiving Tips

If you are just starting out with helping your older loved one, you might be feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to help. Not only are you flooded with loads of new information about medical conditions, you’re also experiencing complex family dynamics and your own messy feelings to manage in the midst of it all.

And if that wasn’t enough, it can be tough to know where to start and who to trust.
In the midst of a storm it can help to have a lighthouse to guide you.

  1. Learn about your loved one’s illness/condition
  2. Understand Common Role Transitions with Caregiving
  3. Attend to your own self care
  4. Get support with caregiving

Learn about your loved one’s illness/condition

People generally become a caregiver when a family member or a close friend needs care due to a medical or mental health condition. As you get started in your caregiver’s journey, it’s important to become educated about the medical or mental health condition and get connected with organizations and support groups who specialize in that particular condition. Here are a couple of examples of common conditions:

Understand Common Role Transitions with Caregiving

Understanding the roles transitions common in caregiving will help you to identify where you’re at in your own caregiver’s journey and the common struggles and goals in each stage. Knowing that you’re not alone and give you recommendations for what may help to manage common concerns in each stage.

There is no timeline for these stages along the caregiver’s journey. Some families receive a diagnosis of a terminal medical condition and move through these roles at lightning speed, and other families and illnesses (e.g., dementia disorders) can experience a drawing out of these roles.

The following 6 role transitions common in family caregiving are based on Caregiver Family Therapy by Dr. Sara Qualls and tailored based on Dr. Regina Koepp’s near 20 years of providing family therapy to older families and as lead of a family couples clinic for several years.

Role 1: The Pre-Caregiver

Illness/ Functional Needs: Not yet caregiving- Two Autonomous Adults, living side by side

In this stage both the older adult and the person who will become the primary caregiver are living mutually autonomous lives. There’s little to no concern about the health of the older adult and little to no request for assistance. This stage is relevant in the family caregiving journey because each family comes into caregiving with their own unique family dynamics, histories, roles, etc. The family dynamics that existed prior to caregiving often influence the course of caregiving.

The struggle
If you lived in a family with a history of secrets and betrayal, you may be suspicious or skeptical of the information you receive once you become a family caregiver. If you lived in a family in which people were very private and didn’t talk about illness or challenges, you might worry you won’t get all of the information you need to provide care down the road. If you lived in a family where there were long periods of estrangement or abandonment, you may be more likely to experience resentment down the road as a caregiver.

The Goal
The goal in this stage is to take stock of your family history, your role in the family, and to prioritize your health and wellness, as well as the health and wellness of your relationship with your older loved one, especially if you anticipate helping them in the future.

Role 2: The Ambiguous Caregiver

Illness/ Functional Needs: Older adult needs assistance with instrumental Activities of Daily Living (IADLs= finances, driving, shopping, cooking, etc)

In this stage, the older adult has a medical or mental health condition that is impairing aspects of their lives and creating some level of need for assistance. In this stage, the older adult may be in risky situations, but still have the capacity to make decisions for themselves in many aspects of their lives.

The struggle
There is often confusion about roles in the family and often a lack of clarity about illness. This creates a sense of ambiguity for both the older adult and the family. There is a struggle with understanding roles, clarity about illness, and managing complex dilemmas and binds around safety versus autonomy. How do you step in with respect and honoring your loved one’s dignity and autonomy? For example:

Role Confusion

  • In this stage family members may have the sense of “now I’m helping, now I’m not.” It’s common in this stage for family caregivers not to identify as a caregiver per se, making statements like: “I’m not helping with bathing or grooming, so I’m not really a caregiver” and might say, “I’m not a caregiver. Am I?”

Dilemmas and Binds

  • My loved one is still living independently, but making costly mistakes with their money and I worry they’ll be taken advantage of. When do we take over?
  • My loved one is still driving, but we’re worried. If we take away the keys they’ll be isolated and alone. Driving is their access to the world. Demanding that they stop driving will rupture our relationship. If we let them keep driving, we worry that they will get lost or get into an accident. What do we do?

Uncertainty about Illness

  • If the older adult has a dementia disorder and the family doesn’t understand dementia, the family may say, “it’s hard to know where the personality ends and the illness begins” or “she’s faking it, she could do it if she wants to.”

The goal
When there is confusion and uncertainty in this stage, it’s more common to experience guilt, shame, frustration, stress, and overwhelm. Thus, the goal in this stage is to gain clarity about the illness and the prognosis of illness that the older adult has as well as to gain clarity about the caregiver’s role. This clarity will help the family more accurately assess and manage risky situations.

Role 3: The Caregiver

Illness/ Functional Needs: Older Adult Needs Assistance with Activities of Daily Living and Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (ADLs and IADLs)

In this stage, it is clear that the family member is indeed the caregiver. At this point, the caregiver is helping with the more intimate tasks like grooming, dressing, toileting, attending medical appointments, etc. There is often no denying that you are a caregiver.

The Struggle
In this stage, the older adult often needs more care than one person can provide, leading to overwhelm.

The Goal
The goal in this stage is to broaden your circle of support, enlist formal (paid) caregivers. It’s also important to find meaning and benefit in what you are providing as a caregiver, and find ways to value what you are doing as a caregiver.

Role 4: The Steward

Illness/ Functional Needs: Older Adult is at end of life and largely unable to engage in care or the relationship

In this stage, the older adult is nearing the end of their life and may be receiving hospice care. The older adult may not be communicating any longer. The caregiver, at this point, becomes the steward of the relationship, carrying the relationship, and expressing and advocating for their loved one’s wishes.

The Struggle
As your loved one nears the end of their life, you will be experiencing anticipatory grief and will be reflecting on missed opportunities with your loved one, perceived “mistakes” you made in caregiving, and likely question your decisions as a health proxy, etc.

The Goal
Early in the caregiving journey the goal was to pursue optimal health and quality of life in the midst of illness. The goal in this stage, however, is to prepare yourself and your loved one for an optimal end of life by allowing yourself to simultaneously grieve and advocate for your loved one, and ease your loved one’s suffering. You will need support and a sense of security within yourself.

Role 5: The Bereaved

In this fifth stage, your loved one has died and you are grieving the loss of them and of your role as a caregiver.The more complex the caregiving dynamics and relationship, the more complex the grief and bereavement process. The better able you are to move through the previous stages of caregiving, the healthier the grieving process.

The Struggle
This stage may have some unexpected challenges in that your position as “primary caregiver” may be replaced by another family member who is assigned executor of the will. You may be “de-throned” so to speak in the family, or move the second chair. While it can be a relief to not have the stress of executing a last will and testament, the immediate shift to your role in the family can take an emotional toll.

The Goal
Move through grief by acknowledging it and feeling it. Reflect on memories with your loved one, the meaning and value of your role as a caregiver. Try to support the executor of the will as you wished to have been supported as a caregiver.

Role 6: The Re-Builder

In this final stage of the caregiver’s journey, there is suddenly more space in your life. You are no longer a caregiver, and you may have lost other roles as well. You may no longer be a spouse or an adult child, you may no longer be working, you may have stopped volunteering, or withdrawn from friendships or church.

The Struggle
Many former caregivers describe having more space in their life and experiencing an “emptiness” or void. I’ve heard caregivers describe this as, “it’s so quiet in the afternoons” or “when do I stop wearing my wedding ring” to mark the transition of roles.

The Goal
To re-engage with life and to mindfully rebuild your life and roles with activities and relationships that are meaningful to you.

Attend to your own self care

Research shows that caregivers have higher rates of stress and depression than non-caregivers. The sooner you get into the practice of caring for yourself in your caregiving journey, the easier it will be to make it part of your lifestyle and not simply an afterthought.

Quote highlight: “You’re not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” – anonymous

Here are some self-care tips to get you started:

  • Value yourself and your role as a helper or caregiver.
  • Create balance between work, caregiving, and life.
  • Identify when you’re stressed and take a break
  • Spend time with friends and groups who build you up.
  • Care for your physical health by eating healthy foods, exercising, making time for your own medical care.
  • Practice gratitude
  • Meditate, pray, or journal
  • Set healthy boundaries by saying “no” (if you’re taking on more responsibilities in caregiving, you might have to say no to other responsibilities or opportunities in life).
  • Show yourself loving kindness. Be compassionate with yourself
  • Care for your mental health by talking to a trusted friend or working with a therapist.

Get support with caregiving

Getting support with caregiving can be very helpful along your journey. Here are some caregiver support resources just for you.
Caregiver has a free caregiver hotline with lots of resources related to caregiving. Call 855-227-3640, or chat here:

The Family Caregiver Alliance
The Family Caregiver Alliance also has resources and support programs for caregivers and offer a hotline during business hours (Pacific Standard Time) at 800-445-8106. Learn more about them, here.

Alzheimer’s Association
If you’re caring for someone with dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association has a 24/7 helpline at 800.272.3900. Learn more here!
Psst: your loved one doesn’t have to have Alzheimer’s Disease, they can have any type of dementia for you to receive support there!

Talk therapy
Sometimes therapy can be very helpful in managing the emotional challenges that can arise with caregiving. It can be especially helpful to find a mental health professional who specializes with people caring for older adults. Find a therapist who specializes with caregivers and older adults here.

Ready to gain clarity about the mental health or memory changes in your older loved one?

Download the Memory and Mental Health Guide to get help with the first steps.