My parent is giving money to scammers and won't stop- Podcast
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[00:00:00] My aging parent is giving money to a scammer and I can't stop it.

So what can I do? If you're watching this, you may be in an incredibly painful and bewildering situation.

Maybe you've discovered that your aging parent is giving money to a scammer, and despite your best efforts to stop it, they just won't.

you've shown them the evidence, begged, pleaded cried, but they're still sending money behind your back even. And when you confront them.

They say, it's my money. I can spend it however I want.

Let's talk about why this happens and what you can do, and really how to stay connected to your older parent through it all.

I am Dr. Regina Koepp I'm a clinical Geropsychologist and founder of the Center for Mental Health and Aging.

So why won't they stop? These scams, especially if they are romance scams are not just about [00:01:00] money, they're about the relationship. The relationship is designed to create emotional dependence.

Scammers don't just ask for money. They offer love. Attention, a sense of purpose, things that we all intrinsically need, but become more and more vital when someone is grieving or isolated or navigating transitions like retirement or widowhood. So even after the harm is clear, even when your parent knows it's a scam, the emotional bond that they have with the scammer may feel very real,

the scammer may use guilt, love bombing, and fear to maintain control- like an abusive relationship. and this is why your aging parent might keep giving them money. It's not because they don't understand the facts, it's because they're caught in an emotional trap. And when we approach them with blame or frustration, it can backfire.

Why? Because the [00:02:00] scammer. Does the opposite. The scammer offers unconditional love while family or you understandably can come in and be quite critical or controlling, you're scared. And so what can you do? What would actually be helpful?

So the first is to lead with compassion, not shame. So instead of asking, how could you fall for this, I can't believe you don't understand that this relationship isn't real. Instead say, I love you. I'm worried because this person seems to be hurting you. You don't deserve that. Can we talk about it together? When people feel shamed they tend to shut down, but when they feel safe and secure, they tend to open up. So the more you can help them to feel safe and secure with you, the better.

Scammers rely on alienating the person they're scamming from the people they care about.

[00:03:00] The second is to respect autonomy, but plan for safety. So here's the hard truth. This may be really hard for you to hear many adult children of aging parents when they see their aging parent make an unhealthy choice for their life, get worried and wanna step in and take over. But the hard truth to hear is that older adults, and this is true for every adult, is presumed to have decision making capacity.

This is their right. They have a right to make an unhealthy choice for their life.

And the exception to this is when there is clear evidence that they do not have decision-making capacity, and that takes an expert to help you understand. It can't just be decided because you're witnessing an unhealthy decision or choice.

So what do you do then when your aging parent is making unhealthy choices for their life? Do you just watch that runaway train? [00:04:00] And so this is where two key ethical principles come in. One is called dignity of risk, and this means that as adults we have the right to make our own choices, even risky ones.

And the second principle is called duty of care. This is when safety is at risk. Sometimes it may be okay to step in with reasonable protections. So the key here though, is not for you to decide unilaterally. The key here is collaboration.

Try working together and setting up maybe daily spending limits or dual authorization for large transfers on their bank account. Or maybe meet with an elder law attorney or an aging life care expert to explore options that respect both autonomy and safety. Do it together.

A third thing to try is to get a professional assessment. If you do suspect early signs of cognitive decline, the first step is to get your older loved one [00:05:00] to their primary care provider to rule out anything biophysiological that may be happening for them that's causing the cognitive change. Simultaneously, you can request a neuropsychological evaluation that includes financial capacity assessment. This can help to clarify next steps and document the person's need for support.

Number four, is to bring in trusted messengers. Perhaps the family dynamics are such that you may not have influence with your parent, but if your parent hears it from somebody else, maybe that other person will have influence, like a financial advisor or their doctor, a faith leader a neuropsychologist, an elder abuse prevention professional.

I'm gonna give you a resource at the end of this where they can assess their financial vulnerability and get tips from experts for free. And so another thing that you could consider as you're considering professionals to work with is to consider contacting Adult Protective Services. Depending on the severity of the situation, [00:06:00] it may need to be reported that your older loved one is being financially exploited.

And if it's iffy, call and just get some advice. I'll put some links to resources in the show notes.

The fifth thing that you can do, and this is really important, is to prevent revictimization. So even if you can't stop the scam today, you can reduce future risk and set up fraud alerts at the bank. This is with your parents' collaboration. Of course, you could encourage social connection with other people who are safe and secure so that they're cultivating healthier relationships for themselves. Explore resources like AARP's Fraud Watch, or Give An Hour has some resources and support groups for people who have been survivors of financial exploitation. And as I mentioned, there's a program called olderadultnestegg.com where you can assess your financial vulnerability and get resources to protect yourself from [00:07:00] scams.

Here's the thing, scams thrive in secrecy and isolation and connection is a powerful antidote. So care for yourself too. This is a stressful situation. You're managing heartbreak and confusion and fear and shame, and maybe resentment. That's not weakness. That's love. You're supposed to have all these feelings during this complex situation, but you don't have to do this alone. There are support groups and psychotherapy and trauma-informed therapists that can help. I'm gonna put some links in the show notes at the Center for Mental Health and Aging, which I am the founder and CEO of. We have a directory of licensed therapists who specialize with older adults and perhaps can work with you and your older loved one in collaborating on harm reduction with giving money to scammers, you deserve support too. And please know support is available. I'm going to put more resources in the show [00:08:00] notes as well.

And one final thought. Your older loved one's independence matters and so does their safety. The most effective path forward is one of trust, compassion, and collaboration. Scammers wanna isolate your older loved one. Your job is to stay connected even when it's hard, especially when it's hard because your older loved one can get through this, and so can you. This is because I deeply believe and have seen countless times in my practice that there is no expiration date on healing and transformation and growth.

Stick with it. Stay connected. You're not alone.

If you found this video and the resources here helpful, will you share it with somebody who could benefit? This will help to spread the message and get some resources out there for other people [00:09:00] going through the same thing. And if you're a professional, I have a guide for you to work with clients around supporting them, specifically supporting older adults after financial exploitation.

There are some unique considerations and I want you to have all of the best resources. So you can get that in the show notes for this video.

If you're looking for a therapist who specializes with older adults, visit us at mentalhealthandaging.com We have a national list of mental health providers who specialize with older adults.